by Dr Amanda Noelle | Jan 3, 2014 | Divine Feminine Awakening, Twin Flame Signs, Twin Flame Spirituality, Uncategorized
My Inner Critic
used to be a real B-I-T-C-H. I struggled with her big time, though you wouldn’t know it now, because I am a new woman. At age 30 I died a ‘shamanic death,’ and flew to the Higher Dimensions. When I came back down, I returned to the same body, but began a new life as a high priestess. After communing with the angels and my Higher Self
and remembering who I am and that we’re all one, I suddenly didn’t care about impressing people anymore.
Yet straight after my shamanic death, I went through the most painful ego death. AKA a Dark Night of the Soul, and you know what I’m talking about if you’ve gone through one yourself. Not so pleasant! Many of my Twin Flame clients have gone through their Dark Night after having encountered a Twin Flame Counterfeit, a type of Karmic Soulmate who initiates them into Divine Love and then who suddenly disappears. It’s quite excruciating, ego-anhillating, and yet in the end, you come out cleaner, and stronger than ever.
Going through my shamanic death, my Inner Critic went down with my ego (which is still healthy and intact but not in the oppressive way it once was), and my Higher Self finally grounded into my body and 7-chakras so that I could channel the Higher Dimensional energies here into the Third Dimension, the dimension in which we live on Earth. We are currently collectively shifting into the Fourth Dimension and each of us are waking up to this Ascension together.
My Inner Critic no longer holds me back like it did, and I feel like I have a free pass towards shame, guilt, embarrassment and feeling like I’m good enough. I now I put myself out there, and let it all hang out. And I love it! Because I deeply love myself on a soul level. Now I actually enjoy baring my A$$ to the world in hopes that people will join me in the self-love revolution. It’s what High-Healed Priestesses do!
But ten years ago, or even three years ago, it wasn’t this way… I was an Inner Critic victimy mess. I pretty much had a love-hate relationship with myself on every level of my being:
- Body image (hated my body, my skin, my hair, and my breasts without a bra on)
- Food and binge eating issues (I was addicted to sugar and always roller-coastering back and forth between overeating and over exercising)
- Major poverty issues – my self worth in the money department was like a negative number on a scale of 1-10. I was making a 4-figure salary and had so much shame about it!
- I thought my boyfriend was better than me. He was 3 years older, a mechanical engineer, and an Italian stallion. Somehow I thought that this meant that he was wiser, hotter, smarter, and sexier than I, and that I had to work hard to keep up with him or I’d be unlovable.
- Location. I lived somewhere I dreaded and feared (China) because I followed the stallion to join him and his dream in Shanghai to help boost his career. I was the support role in his life, and meanwhile no one was taking care of me, and it was not an easy place to try to rescue someone! But boy did I love trying to rescue him, as I did with all my boyfriends and lovers in my 20s…
Circa 2004. So, here I am running around in Shanghai China 10 years ago. I used to work on the 35th floor of Jin Mao Tower, which at the time was this new hot icon of Shanghai, the tallest building in the world, at 88 stories (cool number, huh?).
My low-self esteem got me Shanghaied to Shanghai
Getting Shanghaied is a term they used back in the 20s. In San Francisco, they would get sailors drunk and put them on ships to Asia, and they’d arrive in Shanghai finding themselves sobered up by the fact that they had a new culture and country to call home. To this day, they supposedly have a few pubs in San Francisco on the water that have these special back doors that were the doors to Shanghai.
My Italian stallion tricked me too. He promised me that, like him, I’d have a secure $70K salaried job waiting for me there through his family connections. When I arrived with just $2K in savings, they told me to go find an English teaching job for $5/hour at a local elementary school. I’d already been teaching English to Italians for $25/hour a few days a week in Italy and was burnt out on it. In Shanghai, everyone told me I was crazy to come to China then, as the economic bubble had already burst a year beforehand for us foreigners with no tech skills or Mandarin language.
Determined not to starve to death, I networked my little fanny off and found a job through my brother’s Princeton alumni network because I have always been a savvy networker despite the fact that I didn’t really know how to make money off of it!
I worked at a prestigious American law firm as an editor, but really all I did was play around on the internet and get free lunch. So, I certified myself online as a personal trainer and nutrition consultant and at age 25, opened Spot Fitness my first business! I also became a well-known fitness and nutrition writer within the large expat community, and got to attend speaking gigs and taught group classes.
Yet when I left China at 25, I felt like a huge failure because I hadn’t become a financial success, and because my partner got that 70K salary as a mechanical engineer with family connections. Now I look back and I’m like Amanda, that’s amazing! You were 24, went to a country where you didn’t speak the language, and you carved out your own career and became known in your field within a year and a half!
I know you had a hard time in your life in your earlier years where you did the best you could, and you thought it wasn’t good enough. Where you were harsh and criticized parts of yourself that needed nurturing, encouragement, and love rather than the brutal beatings you gave yourself! I want you to go back to those memories and tell yourself how amazing you are. And I want you to forgive yourself for any shortcomings, any dreams that hadn’t come true yet. And now, I want you to live out those big dreams for the little parts of yourself that are insecure and need to be shown that they CAN do it! You can! It’s in you, but it had to come at the right timing, and through deep self-love. One of my favorite tools I teach women is the FUKKIT tool that helps you get over your perfectionism and resistance to getting boring tasks done:
Have you ever followed love and gotten lost? Like literally to the wrong side of the planet? I did.
This is a picture of ME circa 2004 AD in China, when I was a very lost goddess remembering who I was. I got “Shanghaied” (look it up) and taken by an Italian lover to Shanghai, China. I was lost and confused and hit all kinds of self-esteem and money issues, hoping that my beloved would save me. But I had to save myself in the end, and it was complicated!
Ironically, I found myself in a land where no one understood me, literally (that language is damn hard!). I was always running out of money and had no cash to get places and it was kinda scary. I once had to use sign language to ask where the lake was and caught a bus not knowing if it was really going to the lake or if I was going somewhere else in China. I set up my own business there, and there were a lot of good things, impressive ways I grew. Yet it was one of the hardest things I could have done at the ripe age of 23-25!
I highly suggest finding yourself first before following some beloved off to the depth of his/her universe. What is YOUR universe, why are you here? What is your soul’s calling? What do YOU desire? And create that.
My beloved ended up marrying his Twin Flame in China at the end, 3 months after I left him, and it was a bitter sweet result of our 2-year journey together. The life of a Twin Flame Matchmaker in her 20s!
When you lack self-esteem, you lead a life that reflects this lack. It can get you into big trouble. Slaying my Inner Critic and falling in love with myself as a High-Healed Priestess has reinvented my life. Now I love my body, live in community, travel where it blisses me, work with my Soulmate Clients, and make 6-figures following my passions, and so can you.
by Dr Amanda Noelle | Nov 26, 2013 | Uncategorized |
It’s been two years since I made my first YouTube video. It was a “train wreck video.”
Did you know that I sucked at making videos? And I bet some people say that I still suck at making YouTube videos, that I’m constantly making an ass of myself. But I’d much rather make an ASS of myself than sit around waiting for the world to fix itself, while I keep my mouth shut.
Though I’m no Jenna Marbles, I have hit almost 180,000 views on my YouTube channel, and I have gotten lots of feedback of how I’ve helped women get over self-esteem issues, meet their Twin Flames, or made their life a little sweeter. Even though I still get negative criticism sometimes, like thumbs downs or lame comments, I don’t ever let that stop me from speakin’ my truth. It’s been two years since I made my first YouTube video, which was in a way a train wreck; but I am still alive, and I even may have saved a few lives by sharing my work! The train-wreck video I made had this comment:
“This meditation has helped me so much, Thank you! My life has improved 50% and I’ve been doing this for maybe a month, So thank you!!!!”
Another woman who follows all of my videos attributes meeting her Twin Flame to the tips I share in my videos. So many times I have spoken with women for the first time, who follow my blogs, vlogs, and social media posts, and they tell me, “That X thing you said has changed my life!” Usually I can hardly remember saying what I said, but how cool and flattering that my rambling love can inspire someone to heal herself!
Big money can come through YouTube
I have met lots of clients through my YouTube channel. If you are a a BLI$$preneur, a woman entrepreneur and healer, do you wanna know how to make money on YouTube? It’s not through advertisements or anything sleazy. It’s really simple: in offering useful content, while letting my light shine, people test drive me, and if they like me, they buy. So often I have had women hire me after watching me for a few months on YouTube. They start getting results, and want to get them faster getting the one-on-one time. So I think of my videos as partial charity, partial marketing. And it’s so much fun! Especially when you let it…
Talk smack, save the world
I was verbally abused a fair bit as a little girl, which taught me to “be good,” and keep quiet. Yet this is exactly what I want to scream about, what I want to stop, so that the Goddess of Love can reign again. So I have started to speak up, and I won’t shut up, ever! Owning our “Sacred No” is the only way to rebuild the Divine Feminine structures in society, which we are doing one vlog post at a time. I’m not talking about being a bitch or anything, but just speak your truth with lots of love and don’t let the forces of darkness intimidate you. They’re just shadows anyway…
As a Light Worker, you can’t keep your mouth shut any longer either. Which is why you are getting called to quit your job, reinvent your life, live without shame, and open a 6 or 7-figure healing business (or BLI$$ness as I call it, business + bliss + BIG buck$!).
You’re a Divine Feminine Revolutionary, it’s your job to be yourself. It’s a full-time job. Start dressing outside of the box if you like, dancing outside the box, and breaking the rules. Because it’s time – the Divine Feminine is rising and doesn’t stand for abuse or suppression any longer. She’s not following what the old scary n’ dark patriarchal systems that told her how to be/act/dress/fuck/speak anymore. It simply wasn’t fun!
YouTube videos are the new music videos, the new Vogue, the new Seventeen Magazine
Pre Internet, we the people didn’t have a voice. Major advertising companies dominated the scene and told you how much to weight, how to act, what to look like, and what to shop for. I totally figured out how to act/look/be when I was 11 years old and read my first Teen Magazine. Thank goodness I successfully figured out how to have an eating disorder and hate myself, or maybe those teenage boys wouldn’t have liked me so much!
YouTube is where we create new culture. It’s where we vaginas get to take back the Feminine Sacred PU$$Y Power, and where we can speak (relatively) freely without anyone to stop us! So why do we stop ourselves? Stop stopping yourselves, OK? Make your YouTube videos, speak from your heart, and let the Divine Feminine rise.
Let’s all grab our vagina-balls (ovaries or whatever), grab a pink drink, and raise it to the Divine Feminine revolution!
Fear and the inner critic
This is a note about choosing self-love over fear of criticism of others and the inner critic. And I have had huge inner critic my entire life, so I should know! As a recovering A-student and perfectionist, it has taken me years to get over caring what others think about me. This blockage stopped me from letting my light shine, has impeded my healing gifts, and gave me writer’s block (or writer’s fear, since I wrote constantly in my diary where it was “safe”).
Two years ago, I finally took a huge step and got over my inner perfectionist enough to start sharing my voice with the world, via simple YouTube videos. I had had a dream earlier in the year where my guides told me: “Just start doing your work, you will learn along the way, and there is NO TIME FOR PRACTICE or procrastination.” The words were loud and clear. So finally, I jumped in and went for it.
Doing the videos was an exciting first step, and I feel so lucky to express my love with the world. I was also proud of this milestone, because for the first time in public, I was honoring the love more than fear.
I love how easy the videos flowed, and though they weren’t perfect, I could get them out quickly and there were actual viewers! On my third day, I published my fourth meditation video, Goddess Meditation: Spiritually Healing Body Image & Self-Esteem:
The content came to me late at night that I channeled from my Higher Self
, and I knew that the message was true and powerful, because I could feel it in my body. I did not take the time to edit the video to the degree I wanted, as I read off the skript that had flowed through me, so you could see my eyes moving. But So what? I thought, people will close their eyes in the meditation
and I had something to say! There was a sense of joy and freedom this decision to Just Do It
, even though my inner perfectionist was like “It’s not good enough.” But I chose to listen to my Higher Guidance, and emphasize being of service to others rather than trying to be perfect all the time! So I delightedly posted my video, and within a day, it had the most hits of all four of the videos I’d posted!
I knew it was choppy, but people seemed to be watching the video and feeling into its energy.
The Critic – Turn Abuse Into Motivation!
Then, to my shock, an old friend whom I’ll simply refer to as “The Critic,” with whom I hadn’t spoken for almost a year, posted a comment next to my video, saying that he’d “Send me a private feedback message”… Uh oh! I knew he had a big inner critic himself, so I wasn’t looking forward to reading this. I knew he was going to mirror my own fears of verbal abuse and reprimand. I knew it was going to hit my scars of when I was a child and was verbally abused and shamed in front of my first grade classroom by this big mean teacher who had long hair and a beard and who happened to look like a lion. I was only five years old, the other kids a year older. It was really friggin’ scary! The teacher had no patience for my slight learning disability, tendency toward distraction, and my imaginative mind that wouldn’t stick to his plan. So when he screamed at me, I shut down, and it took many years of healing to recover my confidence.
I checked my in-box to find that The Critic had messaged me several things he didn’t like about the video, without anything kind or encouraging. His energy felt so familiar and I realized it was a lot like my lion-looking teacher. Feeling punched in the gut, but feeling defensive like a proud mama, I wrote back to share my thoughts, compassionately standing up for myself.
I hoped for a drop of compassion. To my shock, the next response was from The Critic was that my video was a “train-wreck,” and that he was embarrassed for me!
For your entertainment, I have included our conversation:
September 7, 2011 at 8:42pm
The Critic: “Some feedback on the meditation video: It feels really weird watching your eyes read the text. The prompt cards could be much closer to the lens, and you could rehearse, so that you are not so dependent on them. Also, your sitting/lying position up against the wall, looks awkward (tense neck and mouth). The sounds of rain in the background are nice, but need acknowledgement from you to be felt as part of the video.” [Hey–did I ask you?]
Amanda Noelle: “Dear One, I would like you to re-read your comment and pretend that you are me, from my eyes… How do you feel when you hear from someone for the first time in over a year and they say three constructive criticisms without a single word of encouragement or expression of love? Does it feel supportive alone or also hurtful? I wanted to express how one can make videos without being perfect, to just jump and go for it. I will of course at some point go professional and make improvements, but my Angelic guidance through a profound dream I had said “Don’t wait, express your teachings, there is no time for practice anymore.” I am following this, and letting people see my life. Perhaps a feedback I can give you, if I may, is that you ask for feedback first to see if it’s wanted. Then, give some warm encouragement or say one or two nice things to balance things out. When you do this for others, you will be doing this for yourself. For every part of you that feels numb to my pain, is a part that is very, very sensitive. As we all are One. Love and light, Amanda.”
The Critic: “Ok. Most people would not risk the truth. I could have asked first if you wanted the feedback, but why would you put yourself out there, if you didn’t. Sorry to hurt you. It was not my intention.”
Amanda Noelle “I put my gift out there not for feedback, but for feeding goddesses who want to heal self-esteem. Why would anyone assume that I wanted feedback about my gift? If someone dances, do you go up to them and show them how you think their steps should go? It may be your truth, but it’s not The Truth Absolute. Don’t worry, I am not hurt. It was just not something I wanted. And needed to say that to you. Peace, Amanda”
The Critic “Amanda, the video was a train-wreck, and I was embarrassed for you. Rather than just ignore you/it, I took the time to write you a private message, in the hope that you might be open to the feedback. But now I understand that you feel it is your Gift to female humanity. Good luck with it. Sorry for my bluntness. Next time I will ignore it.” “Also, the dancing metaphor is a good one, except that in this case, you are not a dancer, you are the dance TEACHER, so of course I would speak to them afterwards, and hope that they would be open to feedback. Sending you love, even if you don’t trust me.”
Hold Your Sacred Feminine Powers
So, it wasn’t the most graceful conversation. But I am for the first time, trying to hold my ground, to nourish the creative feminine juices. And yes, I sent The Critic love too, and said so in my last message to him. But I also said that I thought he was rude and couldn’t image why he needed to say my gift was a train-wreck (gee, harsh!). I have since unfriended him on FB, and I rarely do that! But I do so in love and honoring of myself and my own boundaries.
I know now that negative feedback is part of the job. In putting yourself out there, not everyone is going to be pleased. Not even all parts of myself! We just gotta let it go, and let flow. When I have time, as I had planned, if I have motivation, I will edit the video unless there is something else that inspires me more. Yet this was a precious test. This was a test of self-love for me… Am I going to hate myself when someone (and mind you, The Critic graduated from NYU’s film school) doesn’t like my stuff? Should I stop speaking? Shoud I edit my every move as it comes? Should I be afraid that people will be embarrassed for me as I express my essence in a way that isn’t perfectly graceful? Should I stop what I’m doing and risk slowing down the flow of my own essence and ignore my intuition that says Just Do It? No! No no no no noooo!
I’m STILL going to make my “train-wreck videos” if that’s what it takes, and I hope you will too. I’m willing to do anything to be on my soul-purposed mission. Thanks to The Critic, I now go for it with even MORE inspiration to serve others who struggle with their inner critic. Hopefully someday I will “master” the art of video-making, perhaps with the help of a crew of professionals. That’s a dream of mine for sure. Until then, I am happy that I continue to attract viewers who are in love my energy, and don’t mind the raw, sexy, scrappy style, who aren’t afraid to see the perfection of imperfection. They take what I have to offer, and accept me for me.
I want this for all of us. I hope you see me look like a Goddess Goober, full of love! Thank you for letting me share. Blessings on creating a world where we get to have full expressive creativity without fear of being unloved, ashamed, or energetically/verbally abused. Where we are whole, healed, and One. It’s so exciting that together we are creating new icons, or “nu icons” where we are no longer shaped by the media, advertising agencies, money-hungry agencies that don’t care if our teenage girls are anorexic, or if we all hate ourselves.
This week I am super proud of my sexy soul sister who always has the ability to rock and shock even me. Shayna Gordon took the dare this week that I challenged her to, which was to share a YouTube video on her expertise of sacred sexuality. Check it out here. Also feel free to leave a link of one of your first YouTube videos in the comments section below, if you so dare!
Dr. Amanda Noelle, The Twin Flame Matchmaker, helps stellar spiritual BLI$$ness women attract their Twin Flames at light speed.