It’s been two years since I made my first YouTube video. It was a “train wreck video.”

Did you know that I sucked at making videos? And I bet some people say that I still suck at making YouTube videos, that I’m constantly making an ass of myself.  But I’d much rather make an ASS of myself than sit around waiting for the world to fix itself, while I keep my mouth shut.

Though I’m no Jenna Marbles, I have hit almost 180,000 views on my YouTube channel, and I have gotten lots of feedback of how I’ve helped women get over self-esteem issues, meet their Twin Flames, or made their life a little sweeter. Even though I still get negative criticism sometimes, like thumbs downs or lame comments, I don’t ever let that stop me from speakin’ my truth. It’s been two years since I made my first YouTube video, which was in a way a train wreck; but I am still alive, and I even may have saved a few lives by sharing my work! The train-wreck video I made had this comment:

“This meditation has helped me so much, Thank you! My life has improved 50% and I’ve been doing this for maybe a month, So thank you!!!!”

Another woman who follows all of my videos attributes meeting her Twin Flame to the tips I share in my videos. So many times I have spoken with women for the first time, who follow my blogs, vlogs, and social media posts, and they tell me, “That X thing you said has changed my life!” Usually I can hardly remember saying what I said, but how cool and flattering that my rambling love can inspire someone to heal herself!

Big money can come through YouTube

I have met lots of clients through my YouTube channel. If you are a a BLI$$preneur, a woman entrepreneur and healer, do you wanna know how to make money on YouTube? It’s not through advertisements or anything sleazy. It’s really simple: in offering useful content, while letting my light shine, people test drive me, and if they like me, they buy.  So often I have had women hire me after watching me for a few months on YouTube. They start getting results, and want to get them faster getting the one-on-one time. So I think of my videos as partial charity, partial marketing. And it’s so much fun! Especially when you let it…

Talk smack, save the world

I was verbally abused a fair bit as a little girl, which taught me to “be good,” and keep quiet. Yet this is exactly what I want to scream about, what I want to stop, so that the Goddess of Love can reign again. So I have started to speak up, and I won’t shut up, ever! Owning our “Sacred No” is the only way to rebuild the Divine Feminine structures in society, which we are doing one vlog post at a time. I’m not talking about being a bitch or anything, but just speak your truth with lots of love and don’t let the forces of darkness intimidate you. They’re just shadows anyway…

As a Light Worker, you can’t keep your mouth shut any longer either. Which is why you are getting called to quit your job, reinvent your life, live without shame, and open a 6 or 7-figure healing business (or BLI$$ness as I call it, business + bliss + BIG buck$!).

You’re a Divine Feminine Revolutionary, it’s your job to be yourself. It’s a full-time job. Start dressing outside of the box if you like, dancing outside the box, and breaking the rules.  Because it’s time – the Divine Feminine is rising and doesn’t stand for abuse or suppression any longer. She’s not following what the old scary n’ dark patriarchal systems that told her how to be/act/dress/fuck/speak anymore. It simply wasn’t fun!

YouTube videos are the new music videos, the new Vogue, the new Seventeen Magazine

Pre Internet, we the people didn’t have a voice. Major advertising companies dominated the scene and told you how much to weight, how to act, what to look like, and what to shop for. I totally figured out how to act/look/be when I was 11 years old and read my first Teen Magazine. Thank goodness I successfully figured out how to have an eating disorder and hate myself, or maybe those teenage boys wouldn’t have liked me so much!

YouTube is where we create new culture. It’s where we vaginas get to take back the Feminine Sacred PU$$Y Power, and where we can speak (relatively) freely without anyone to stop us! So why do we stop ourselves?  Stop stopping yourselves, OK? Make your YouTube videos, speak from your heart, and let the Divine Feminine rise.

Let’s all grab our vagina-balls (ovaries or whatever), grab a pink drink, and raise it to the Divine Feminine revolution!

Fear and the inner critic

The Critic – Turn Abuse Into Motivation!

Then, to my shock, an old friend whom I’ll simply refer to as “The Critic,” with whom I hadn’t spoken for almost a year, posted a comment next to my video, saying that he’d “Send me a private feedback message”… Uh oh!  I knew he had a big inner critic himself, so I wasn’t looking forward to reading this.  I knew he was going to mirror my own fears of verbal abuse and reprimand.  I knew it was going to hit my scars of when I was a child and was verbally abused and shamed in front of my first grade classroom by this big mean teacher who had long hair and a beard and who happened to look like a lion. I was only five years old, the other kids a year older.  It was really friggin’ scary! The teacher had no patience for my slight learning disability, tendency toward distraction, and my imaginative mind that wouldn’t stick to his plan.  So when he screamed at me, I shut down, and it took many years of healing to recover my confidence.

I checked my in-box to find that  The Critic had messaged me several things he didn’t like about the video, without anything kind or encouraging. His energy felt so familiar and I realized it was a lot like my lion-looking teacher. Feeling punched in the gut, but feeling defensive like a proud mama, I wrote back to share my thoughts, compassionately standing up for myself.

I hoped for a drop of compassion. To my shock, the next response was from The Critic was that my video was a “train-wreck,” and that he was embarrassed for me!

For your entertainment, I have included our conversation:

September 7, 2011 at 8:42pm

The Critic: “Some feedback on the meditation video: It feels really weird watching your eyes read the text. The prompt cards could be much closer to the lens, and you could rehearse, so that you are not so dependent on them. Also, your sitting/lying position up against the wall, looks awkward (tense neck and mouth). The sounds of rain in the background are nice, but need acknowledgement from you to be felt as part of the video.” [Hey–did I ask you?]

Amanda Noelle: “Dear One, I would like you to re-read your comment and pretend that you are me, from my eyes… How do you feel when you hear from someone for the first time in over a year and they say three constructive criticisms without a single word of encouragement or expression of love? Does it feel supportive alone or also hurtful? I wanted to express how one can make videos without being perfect, to just jump and go for it. I will of course at some point go professional and make improvements, but my Angelic guidance through a profound dream I had said “Don’t wait, express your teachings, there is no time for practice anymore.” I am following this, and letting people see my life. Perhaps a feedback I can give you, if I may, is that you ask for feedback first to see if it’s wanted. Then, give some warm encouragement or say one or two nice things to balance things out. When you do this for others, you will be doing this for yourself. For every part of you that feels numb to my pain, is a part that is very, very sensitive. As we all are One. Love and light, Amanda.”

The Critic: “Ok. Most people would not risk the truth. I could have asked first if you wanted the feedback, but why would you put yourself out there, if you didn’t. Sorry to hurt you. It was not my intention.”

Amanda Noelle “I put my gift out there not for feedback, but for feeding goddesses who want to heal self-esteem. Why would anyone assume that I wanted feedback about my gift? If someone dances, do you go up to them and show them how you think their steps should go? It may be your truth, but it’s not The Truth Absolute. Don’t worry, I am not hurt. It was just not something I wanted. And needed to say that to you. Peace, Amanda”

The Critic “Amanda, the video was a train-wreck, and I was embarrassed for you. Rather than just ignore you/it, I took the time to write you a private message, in the hope that you might be open to the feedback. But now I understand that you feel it is your Gift to female humanity. Good luck with it. Sorry for my bluntness. Next time I will ignore it.” “Also, the dancing metaphor is a good one, except that in this case, you are not a dancer, you are the dance TEACHER, so of course I would speak to them afterwards, and hope that they would be open to feedback. Sending you love, even if you don’t trust me.”

Hold Your Sacred Feminine Powers

So, it wasn’t the most graceful conversation.  But I am for the first time, trying to hold my ground, to nourish the creative feminine juices.  And yes, I sent The Critic love too, and said so in my last message to him. But I also said that I thought he was rude and couldn’t image why he needed to say my gift was a train-wreck (gee, harsh!).  I have since unfriended him on FB, and I rarely do that!  But I do so in love and honoring of myself and my own boundaries.

I know now that negative feedback is part of the job. In putting yourself out there, not everyone is going to be pleased. Not even all parts of myself! We just gotta let it go, and let flow.  When I have time, as I had planned, if I have motivation, I will edit the video unless there is something else that inspires me more. Yet this was a precious test. This was a test of self-love for me… Am I going to hate myself when someone (and mind you, The Critic graduated from NYU’s film school) doesn’t like my stuff? Should I stop speaking?  Shoud I edit my every move as it comes?  Should I be afraid that people will be embarrassed for me as I express my essence in a way that isn’t perfectly graceful?  Should I stop what I’m doing and risk slowing down the flow of my own essence and ignore my intuition that says Just Do It?  No! No no no no noooo!

I’m STILL going to make my “train-wreck videos” if that’s what it takes, and I hope you will too. I’m willing to do anything to be on my soul-purposed mission. Thanks to The Critic, I now go for it with even MORE inspiration to serve others who struggle with their inner critic. Hopefully someday I will “master” the art of video-making, perhaps with the help of a crew of professionals.  That’s a dream of mine for sure. Until then, I am happy that I continue to attract viewers who are in love my energy, and don’t mind the raw, sexy, scrappy style, who aren’t afraid to see the perfection of imperfection. They take what I have to offer, and accept me for me.

I want this for all of us. I hope you see me look like a Goddess Goober, full of love! Thank you for letting me share. Blessings on creating a world where we get to have full expressive creativity without fear of being unloved, ashamed, or energetically/verbally abused.  Where we are whole, healed, and One. It’s so exciting that together we are creating new icons, or “nu icons” where we are no longer shaped by the media, advertising agencies, money-hungry agencies that don’t care if our teenage girls are anorexic, or if we all hate ourselves.

This week I am super proud of my sexy soul sister who always has the ability to rock and shock even me. Shayna Gordon took the dare this week that I challenged her to, which was to share a YouTube video on her expertise of sacred sexuality. Check it out here. Also feel free to leave a link of one of your first YouTube videos in the comments section below, if you so dare!

[fvplayer src=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIVm0WqufzM’]

Dr. Amanda Noelle, The Twin Flame Matchmaker, helps stellar spiritual BLI$$ness women attract their Twin Flames at light speed.